Before I became a Mum, I always thought there was two types of Mum's, those who can breastfeed and those who couldn't. I was lucky enough to be one of those who could, but it wasn't without it's hardships. I was under the impression that if you breastfeed the milk mysteriously appeared (which it did and felt like two massive bowling balls attached to my chest) but that it also was constant and didn't go away until you stopped breastfeeding your baby. Boy was I wrong!
I found that it wasn't all peachy and happy times, that it was probably one of the most stressful and frustrating times of my life. I kept thinking to myself how can I not have enough for my baby, she wants it and I know she wants it but for some reason that wasn't getting to that little area in my brain where it computed it.
Bubby is now nearly 5 months and for the first 3 she was getting a less than adequate amount for which then I had to top her up with formula. I hated this as I kept thinking I'm sure she is getting enough but is just being fussy, however the scales didn't lie. apparently she wasn't as big as the doctors wanted her to be. Her Australian Paediatrician actually called her "Scrawny". She was in no way or means unhealthy, she looked like a normal and healthy baby but she just wasn't getting enough. I'm not sure if it was stubbornness on my side trying to continue the breastfeeding thinking it would get better and that my milk was better than any formula could provide.
But in the end all we all want for our kids is for them to be happy and healthy and it is heartbreaking for me to have to give up this special bond with my little one, but I just cant do it anymore. Everyone keeps saying I have done an amazing job for feeding her this long, but in all honesty I sometimes feel like a small failure because I haven't been able to give her something she should have full-time and copping out and giving her formula.
On the other hand I feel lucky enough I have been able to feed her as I know alot of Mum's who haven't been able to feed this long or not at all.
Slowly the amounts I can feed her are dwindling and I'm lucky to feed her once a day, twice if its a good day, all the rest is supplemented with formula. In 2 weeks Bubby will be 5 months old and I think then will be a good time to put her onto formula full-time and start to slowly introduce solids.
And before I forget I have been lucky enough to have an amazing support team around me since day one and my Husband and Mum being the best! I have awesome friends that I could bounce all my concerns off of and I was surprised as to how many of them were and have gone through the same situation as me.
I have one happy baby and if she keeps thriving the way she is I will be one happy mummy too x
